glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
