Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
