mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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