So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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