It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
