i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Two words: blizzard sex
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
