He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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