I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
