Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
