My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
