meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
