Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
