I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
