ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
