You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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