shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
