someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
