Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
