I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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