grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
