When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
