Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
