the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
