Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
