he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
No subtext here. People are naked.
Found the puke drawer
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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