She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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