u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
