just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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