Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
