Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
