just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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