Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
