so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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