I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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