So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
