Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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