well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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