38 yer olds are good kisserssss
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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