My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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