you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
