dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
