I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
