your parents love me but you hate me
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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