1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
