I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
