dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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