If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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