I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's official drugs can't kill me
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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