You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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