your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
